Cosmopolitan asked my wife and I to participate in their Valentine's article  “What Decades of Love Really Looks Like, According to the Couples Who’ve Done It" which is crazy on multiple levels: How have we been together this long and we're no experts. (We're at the very bottom... best for last?) : ) 

They sent us some tough questions, a few of which were featured in the article but here is the full list for anyone who might want to read 'em over.

Where and how you met:
Ryan was home (Spokane, WA) from his freshman year at University of Washington for the summer and went back to work at Red Robin (where he had worked before heading to school). Heidi had started working there while he was at school and Ryan was surprised to see the new girl. Turns out they lived about 3 miles apart and Ryan followed her in to work one day. Heidi remembers Ryan coming up and asking her if there was anything fun to do in Spokane, which is funny, because he had lived there for four years. First date was The Firm and things went from there. 

Your favorite memory of your time together: 
That time we sat across from each other at clinkerdagger restaurant the night before our first born son was due and realized we would be parents forever. that time we took the canoe through the thorofare at priest lake and pulled off into the trees to have a quickie, that time we danced at the rainbow room in NYC and snuck off into the ladies restroom to make out, that time we went to new zealand on our first overseas trip for 2 weeks just us two and magically explored and felt like kids, that time we sold everything we owned and moved to seattle, that time we made clams from pike place market and drank so much wine as we celebrated our 30 year anniversary in our new apartment as the sun set over the puget sound. there’s a million, maybe that’s why we’re still happy together.

Something that drives you crazy about them (in the best way):
From heidi: when he comes home from work and needs to do all the dishes before we cook dinner. when he must listen to all the “new music friday “ songs on spotify before he can start his friday, when he forces me to slow down and see the world around me, the way he just knows we will be okay always (somehow have an abundance of resources when we really have so little now). 

From Ryan: She’s got this almost arrogant, bold thing that comes up from time to time. It’s just like “what?” This is what I’m doing. I don’t care. After getting over my initial WTF, I’m enamored with how bad ass it is. 

Thoughts on Valentine’s Day, decades in:
Every day should be Valentine’s Day. Honestly, this year Heidi is going on a girl’s trip and a few years ago Ryan was in Vegas at a clothing show… and it didn’t really matter because all of those things we’re supposed to be doing on Valentine’s Day, we’re just trying to live. Honestly. So it’s a great day to do something cute but it’s far more romantic to live it all the time. 

The best gift your partner has ever given you: 
from heidi: this magical, adventurous life. not taking everything so seriously. looking for wonder and awe in all things, our three incredible kids! being my best friend and lover, abundant respect.

from Ryan: Besides her beautiful body still rocking all these years later… her willingness to go! She’ll jump in the ocean and get her hair wet, go on the hike, fly economy to New Zealand, carry her backpack through 10 subways and 2 miles to get to our hotel, go to a concert of a band we barely know, walk through the city, and look stupid in a new country while we try to figure it out. Also she reads. Thank god. She reads books.

A small thing they do that makes you feel loved: 
from heidi: trying to take as much off my plate as possible. looking for ways to lighten my load and also get the best sleep.

from Ryan: I’ll have some thought and she just acts like it’s the greatest thing she’s ever heard. And she’ll also tell me when it isn’t. Both make me feel heard and seen and loved in different ways. 

Thoughts on going to bed angry:
(from heidi: don’t do it. there is so much value in expressing things that bother you, communicating and being honest. the more you bury, the bigger it gets. and then sometimes that little thing you didn’t express, comes out with a tiny frustration and blows up bigger than the OG thing.) from Ryan: this is one of those things I’ve definitely learned from Heidi. Don’t let it foster. I was not nearly as good at her as just getting stuff out and I would let it simmer under the surface for days while claiming everything was good. Don’t do that. I’m okay with waiting until morning to let the raw emotion subside, but two nights? Not anymore. 

When to compromise and when to stand your ground:
Listen. Listen. Listen. Respect. Humility. Wonder. Ask. Listen some more. Anyone who does those things will always know when to compromise and when to stand their ground, which is kinda the problem. It takes work to know but that’s the work that always pays off and it rarely pays off to just jump into either compromise or standing your ground without that work. 

What they look like in your head when you picture them: (FROM RYAN)That’s such a good question and a weird one and really got me thinking. But I honestly think I picture her as she is. Just glowing and smiling. As she’s always been. (FROM HEIDI) like this cute boy i met. still. with his hat on backwards, acting mildly rebellious and having a strong mind. so so cute to this day and honestly still the same in all those ways.

One way they’ve inspired you to be better:
(from heidi: so many ways! ryan is that friend you want to dream with and go on vacation with. he is the one full of wonder and awe and soaking up every last drop. he helps me have eyes to see the tiny beauties, the noticing. )

From Ryan: One of our very first fights was Heidi wanting to drive through a McDonald’s to ask for water without buying anything. I couldn’t believe it. The audacity. But, I’ve learned so much about “advocating for yourself” as Heidi always tells the kids. And me. It’s been nice to become a little more bold, and a little less embarrassed, about stupid stuff - age helps, but Heidi has even more.

The moment you realized you found the one:
It’s a bit ridiculous. We were 19 years old but we said after two weeks that we loved each other and we were talking about getting married. It was so fast. We knew it was too fast and we said we couldn’t tell anyone that we were thinking that way.

Your favorite thing to do together:
(heidi) travel and cook together! (ryan) I do love being in a rocking creative headspace with her too. 

One thing young people don’t realize about making relationships last:
It’s not exhausting, or all this hard work, ball and chain, blah blah. It’s evolving, listening, respecting, and having fun. We can only talk about our relationship, but we’ve never been big fans of finding someone and making it work as much as finding someone with whom it just does work.

Set your expectations high. And find someone who meets them.

And there’s probably some luck involved. Be okay with that.

TLDR: You gotta BE that person. We read years ago that being a good parent isn’t about doing the right thing, or saying the right thing, it’s about being. Kids see through all the shit. So do partners. No formulas, no magic lists. BE who you want to be and find someone else doing the same. 

Your advice for young couples who want to make sure their relationship stands the test of time: 
(heidi) be with your best friend! the one you want to spend time with. the one who thinks they got the better deal in the relationship. Esther Perel said we’ll all be married three times and you’re lucky if it’s to the same person. the one who wants you to be better and expects to be married three times to the same person, in other words who embraces change rather than fears it. we all evolve and change, and you want that partner to be the one cheering you on.

(ryan) Best friend. Amen. The one who never attempts to make you hide. The one who always encourages you to unleash the beast inside.

The best way to settle an argument:
It feels 55% of arguments are misunderstandings. Most of the time it feels like we’re arguing about something we really didn’t even mean to be arguing about. Get to those fast and try to figure out what the disagreement actually is. The other 35% feel like one of us wanting to control something we aren’t. The argument is more about who is going to let go of control first but that’s an easier thing to come to some kind of consensus on. Then there is that 10% whose roots are the core things we’ve been arguing about since we met. The ones that are still our little kid versions of ourselves throwing fits about our inadequacies or shame spirals or unmet needs. For those, see a therapist. Everyone needs a therapist from time to time. They help a lot.

Fill in the blank:
love is  __75_% effortless and _25__% work: